Neurodiversity and Self Reflection

 Sergey Shevchuk-Hill, Verrazzano Class of  2021, completed major in Psychology, and minor in English Linguistics 

It feels impossible to describe my capstone experience in any number of pages or words. It feels like it was an eternity ago when I was eagerly looking for opportunities to do clinical research that would help me get into one of oh-so many competitive Clinical Psychology Ph.D. programs. It is strange to think that it was only about two years ago that I approached Dr. Kristen Gillespie-Lynch about doing an independent study with her.

Going into the conversation, I felt a little hesitant. I have ADHD and I was aware that there was some overlap between ADHD and autism in some of the causes as well as in some of the experiences. So, in part, I was worried that I might be entering an oppressive power structure, where I, along with other researchers, would look down smugly onto the “subjects” and make notes regarding their behaviors, in attempts to “solve the puzzle” of autism. That could not be further from reality.

I was very excited when I learned that Kristen’s lab aimed to conduct participatory research through the lens of neurodiversity. Neurodiversity was a concept that I was only marginally familiar with. At the time, I saw the concept as saying that my existence was valid. It seemed to say that when I was in 3rd grade (in Russia) and my classmates said that they could kill me and no one would care because “one idiot more, one idiot less,” or when my teachers graded me based on how fast I could perform on a test rather than how well, and when they chastised me for my infrequent attendance which was caused by me having been bullied and faced with unfair expectations, neurodiversity said that they were wrong. It seemed to say that I was indeed not broken, and that I could amount to something. As such, my hesitation was replaced with eagerness and excitement.

During the two years I spent conducting research with Kristen, I learned more about the concept of neurodiversity, and the disability rights movement surrounding it. I found that I very much agreed with the movement’s goal of opposing those that sought to “cure” neurodivergence, and instead seeking interventions that focus on genuinely improving one’s quality of life as well as changing society to be more accepting of those who are different.

This research also inspired me to take related classes and earn the Advanced Certificate in Autism instead of a second minor. The information I came across in the classes as well as while researching led me to do a lot of self-reflection. For one, I learned about the association between being neurodivergent and identifying as LGBTQ+, including the higher likelihood of being trans, as well as identifying as non-binary. One qualitative research paper I read talked about the experiences of autistic people with gender, and mentioned a non-binary autistic person describe that they never internalized the subtle social messages through which we tend to be taught gender and provided with particular expectations.

That experience resonated with me a lot. Even though I learned as a child how to put on a mask and pretend that my assigned gender roles fit me perfectly for fear of being bullied, I never felt that I fit the mold. This knowledge helped me become more comfortable with my identity, and to become comfortable asking people to acknowledge it in the language they use to talk about me, as well as leading me to stop suppressing it within myself.

So, the last two years were a time of immense personal growth for me, and I feel that my outlook on life is extremely different now than it was two years ago. In my last two years, the world has also changed drastically, and seemingly overnight, bringing with it new horrors as well as new opportunities. And great changes happened in my life, as I got engaged and married to the most wonderful person. As such, it is a little difficult to remember what my life was like before starting my capstone.